Thursday, November 07, 2013

The truth about marriage

     The advice you get from ''happily' married couples is candy coated, along the lines of 'you feel more bonding' and 'i married my best friend', and that everything appears blissful. How I initially envisioned marriage before I got married, boy was I in for a big surprise. Based on my own experience I'm going to share a bit of truth and realism to my marriage life.

As a couple we would talk about future children, our dreams, goals and aspirations and where we saw ourselves in 5 years time. Ideally, everyone wishes to be that picture perfect couple in the wedding studio pictures; realistically it's hard work.  Nobody ever tells you that though because couples don't openly share their bad moments for fear of judgement.

Although I do feel more bonding with my husband and there are plenty of good moments there comes a price. The price of obligation to family and in laws (in my world anyways), being selfless and all 'in' for the team (in some ways), and putting down your pride to make the relationship work. 

Marriage requires dedication and hard work. 

Its so much more easier to throw the silent treatment after an argument and think "he/she should know what they did wrong so I'll stay mad until they apologize". Pride has to be let down to diffuse the situation. (something that is difficult for the both of us to do since we're both so stubborn). However, marriage will provide opportunity for communication

We've heard time and time again that communication is the key to a successful relationship, and the usual advice you get from friends is "you should talk about it with him/her". Yea right, not that easy. Do people ever tell you how awkward it is, how difficult it is, how stubborn their loved ones are and whether the husband/wife are more talkers or listeners. It is best to 'talk' when the timing is right.

My husband is a listener and refuses to talk giving me one word answers. However, Through the years I've learned his style of communication, I've learned to open up the lines of the communication with him once things are calm (usually within the following 2 days). It's difficult to immediately approach the situation and 'talk about it' when things are tense and extremely awkward. Furthermore, talk with pride out of the way. 
Pride being out of the way is necessary since nobody wants to lose a fight, everyone wants to be right. However, how your significant other understands you is greater than you proving you are right.  
Julie Quan.Copyright©2013 ·All Rights Reserved
My Husband and I: Photographer Ted Kim @ The

Secondly, marriage means you have to selfless and 'all in for the team'..yes to an extent. It's great you can give your best to your lover but damn straight you would expect the same in return. Don't feel bad in doing so because THAT is what a marriage is. You can give your all, you take one for the team, yet at the same time don't feel bad about expecting something from your husband/wife. That is the joy of it, that they to are willing without hesitation to do a favor. (Favors and goals within reason and are realistic). You can't keep depositing without gaining any savings, you will be one burnt out lover. 

Lastly, people say "marriage completes me", "we've become one". Aww Hell to the No. You're your own person with your own identity. You share values, common goals, you've become united as husband/wife, but never should you lose your identity. It's great to spend time with your significant other but it's not necessary 24/7. It's important to realize a life outside of your marriage, it grounds you and provides balance in a relationship. Whether you can incorporate family time with things you love or find time to do them separately even for an hour a day I highly recommend it. 

Although I'm 'irked' by many of my husband's behavior and want to give him a good deck in the face at times, I feel blessed. He is wonderful in many ways,  but the truth is are we the 'happily ever after couple?' no..but we are happy in more ways than one. When you marry you marry for their positive and negative traits. Some they can leave at the door to marriage and some are traits embedded since childhood. I mean don't get me wrong there are those that probably have the most wonderful fairy tale marriages. With each and every negative thing I've experienced in my marriage I've gained a positive outcome but that goes without saying: Marriage is hard work and you have to keep dedicated as it can be ugly or it can be molded to how you want it to be. How do you want your marriage to be?

Here's wishing you all a workable and loving relationship filled with happiness and harmony

One Love